What We Resist, Persists.
In life, sometimes we fight the current. Other times it’s important to flow with the river. Big life changes are uncomfortable and it can feel like the carpet has been pulled out from underneath you. When the ground you’ve been standing on begins to fall away, and you’re flailing about in mid-air, you need to make a choice. Our friend Dagmar Meachem of Courage Space , shares tips on how to thrive during life changes. Take notes!
First, you need to understand that life changes are happening to everyone, so please avoid feeling alone.
Let’s take a look at where change can come from:
- Grieving the loss of a loved one
- Losing your job
- Starting a new job and/or career
- Starting a new business
- Implementing changes within your organization to deal with internal challenges
- Divorce & Separation
- Starting a new relationship
- Beginning a personal development journey
- Moving and/or relocating
- Making personal changes at work after having a negative performance review
- Add your own
Things Are Changing And It’s Okay
The feelings you experience from change can range from mildly uncomfortable to darn right excruciating, based on your situation, your learned behaviors from dealing with change and who you are as a person.
The good news is that you can begin to deal with change in a more productive way. You can learn how to roll with the punches. You become more malleable and bend instead of breaking when the winds begin to blow stronger. You will learn that you can actually, thrive through change and you come out the other side a better version of yourself, one that is wiser and actually stronger. In other words, you learn to build resilience within yourself.
Being More Productive
The key to learning to deal with change in a more productive way has to do with resilience and your ability to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. This is what thriving is all about and is based on the following fundamental key steps during change:
Stop Flailing and Allow Yourself to Fall
When discomfort sets in we tend to resist and fight the discomfort. Remember, you find growth when you fall. Evenmore, we as humans have a natural reflex to protect physical and emotional selves from harm. We need this as a means to survive, which is good. But in times of change, in order to build our capacity and strength to respond effectively to it, we need to be able to sit with the discomfort and the pressure, then acknowledge it for what it is and allow ourselves to feel the emotions that come along with it. Allow yourself to fall into the process of change.
It Looks Something Like This:
I’m feeling incredibly anxious and irritable right now, this is so uncomfortable. But this is so normal for someone going through what I’m going through. And I’m just going to let myself feel these things with no judgment and offer compassion to myself instead.
Reach Out & Quiet the Shame
Another normal reaction we have to change is to hide our struggle from others and the emotions that come along with it. There’s a feeling of shame that comes along with change and our response to it. We don’t want to admit that we’re struggling and that we’re having a hard time. The emotional exposure that comes with reaching out and asking for help is, for some, too uncomfortable. Some may be reading this and say ‘are you crazy, I would never do that’. But seriously, if you want to thrive through change and grow, the learning comes from challenging the beliefs we have that reaching out is weak and means we’re incapable. Through challenging those beliefs and accepting the discomfort that comes along with it, you learn that reaching out is the strength. You learn that reaching out is courage. You learn that by reaching out to others and sharing your struggle, you get the acknowledgment, support, and compassion you need to accept and normalize the emotions that are causing you so much discomfort. It’s a win-win: you quiet the shame and you grow and you learn.
Design A New Result and Make a Plan
One of the most powerful things you can do to shift your mindset and move you from discomfort to inspired is by making a plan for a new result. So, you’re in the middle of this change. Where would you like to go? If you could design it exactly the way you wanted it, what would you do, have or achieve instead? Get very clear on this and then write it down in detail what you want, what it will look like, what else will be happening, who else will be there and who have you become in the process. And then, make a plan and a strategy for how you will do this.
This is a very important step because focusing on the future and the new result you want will move your thoughts out of your reptilian brain and fight or flight response into your neocortex which is where ideas and possibilities live. This step will move you into being resourceful which will be the first step in moving you forward and away from the change that’s just happened. And the one thing that will make this step successful, the only thing, is action. You must act, even if the steps are small, you must act.
Let Go of the Past
As you’re now taking steps forward you’ll notice that your past will cling to you a bit, old thoughts will rush in, anger, pain or irritability (just to mention a few) may arise in situations that look like the ‘old’ but aren’t at all like the old situation. I call these emotional triggers and we as humans can’t avoid them. But learning to manage these emotions when they come up and not get hooked into the past is critical for your steps forward. This is the process of letting go, which can be surprisingly hard. Again, it’s being ok with the discomfort this brings, accepting it, allowing the pressure to remain and then keep taking our steps forward which will ultimately build resilience. And also, it’s telling yourself, ‘I choose to feel something different right now’, ‘I feel this because it reminds me of my old situation, but I choose to let that negative feeling go’.
Be Courageous
This step takes incredible courage because we have to convince ourselves that it’s ok to feel something different when our emotional brain is telling us something else. It may look like this:
- It’s ok to let go
- It’s ok to forgive ourselves
- It’s ok to let go of a loved one yet still keep them in our heart close to us
- It’s ok that we’re fumbling right now, we’re learning something new
- It’s ok to let go of our anger because it’s only hurting us now
- It’s ok to feel joy and happiness because we’re safe now
- Add your own
Letting go is a conscious and brave choice, and by no means easy, I know from experience. But it can be done and when you let go, you make room for new possibilities, experiences and people that you never thought would come into your life. And this is when you begin to move into thriving. You feel stronger, empowered and accomplished that you’ve overcome this challenge in your life. You’re now more confident, self-assured and trust yourself that you can handle other situations that may come your way. You feel more energy and motivation about the steps ahead. You are thriving now and have built resilience in yourself that will keep growing each time you overcome a new challenge, a new change or adversity.
Your challenges and struggles are a gift and an opportunity for massive personal growth. And the key to receiving these gifts and opportunities is to increase your capacity to be comfortable with discomfort. It’s that simple. Embrace the discomfort and make it your friend. You won’t be disappointed.
When you have the courage to take the step towards making a change in your life, things will start to flow – Dagmar Meachem
The Mental Health Series is a collaboration between our West Vancouver Chiropractor team and community partners.
